🎙️ EP 36 : Just STOP being so emotional!!

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Now, what if you area really upset about someone and you feel you have to vent? Imagine you turn to your friend, your colleague or even to your trusted boss and they say: “Wow, I really think you need to stop being so emotional about this.”

How would that work out for you?

If you are like me and most people for that matter, that is the least effective way you could help me. Most likely, I don’t even want to stop being angry.

So what could you do as a Leader Coach to help someone who comes to you in this kind of state? Aside from letting them first vent of course, there are a number of techniques we could use to help develop a more positive outlook.

Today, In this article and the related podcast, we are looking at a simple tool called ‘reframing’.

To be clear, when we are a Leader Coach, in this moment, we want to help the person find access to some more productive way of thinking, so they can see a possible way out of this. As a coach, ideally this means that we limit our role and contribution to inquiry, as it will likely have the most long-term effect on ownership.

Now, what kind of reframing are we talking about?

We help someone apply a different lens to their challenge: The long lens, the wide lens and the reverse lens*

This lens pushes for a perspective shift and probes the other person whether could imagine a scenario where did other person did what they did on a basis of a GOOD intent, not negative intent. This can be very challenging, if there is bad blood and a firm picture of the other person being a villain. It can be too much of a stretch. However, for people who are open to the thought, it can be a useful exercise. People usually forgot to take the other person’s point of view, when they are overly emotional.

The potential positive impact of this question is that it can take a person out from the presence. Again, our intent is to help someone get ‘unstuck’ and we are doing this by offering a different perspective on their situation. We can see that this works, when the person being asked begins to re-evaluate the long-term significance of the situation they are facing.

Now, they might realize it is insignificant or significant. However, just by stepping out for a moment and looking at their situation this way, they likely experience a calming effect.

This is a perspective shift to a learning angle. If a situation is really unavoidable and the person has shown in the past that they are capable from learning from hardship, it is useful to remind them of that. The fact that even the most maddening behaviours and interactions at work can contain something we can learn from, is often a motivation factor.

The three lenses have one thing in common: They push for a perspective shift. If they work, they help the person step out of their situation and look at it from a more dispassionate angle, putting their prefrontal cortex back into control. It is quite close to what is called cognitive labelling in psychology.

Hope this is a practical piece of coaching technique that you can give a try soon! For more, listen to the podcast!

-Maik

*HBR: Manage your Energy, not your Time. https://hbr.org/2007/10/manage-your-energy-not-your-time