🎙️ EP 38 : Steps to coach someone who complains

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In this article and podcast, we talk about a specific use case in Leader Coaching: Working with someone who complains about someone else. It is a familiar case.

As a coaching leader, we first assume that we don’t know the full story and that there is more to it than what we just see and hear in the moment.

When we apply our coaching mindset, we believe that the person who complains certainly has an idea what is a good, productive possible course of action. We just have to give them the space to articulate it.

But why should we coach in the first place? It comes down to the fundamental value of this style. If you simple went ahead and told them what to do, your team member would be happy to have been rescued. However, they would know no better for the future.

So here are 5 steps how one could approach such a case. (Yes, in this article it’s 5, in the podcast I bundled them not 4).

The first thing we would naturally do is to neutrally recognise the scenario that is happening. My team member is complaining about a third party. Michael Bungay Stanier found a nice name for this scenario: ‘Coaching The Ghost’. There is someone in the room with us. And what typically then happens is that we talk ABOUT that other person who is not there. How is this person bad? How must they change?

In this moment, it is useful to share that exact observation: ‘Well, I see you are upset. We also know we can’t change this person right now and here, but we can talk about what is in YOUR control. How do you feel about what you can do in respect to this?’

Another powerful question to bring it back to the person in front of you: “What is the challenge here for YOU?’. And be careful. The ‘for YOU’ is very important. It is the part of the question that brings it back to the person in front of you. People love to ignore it and rather continue talking about the other person. As a coach, you will notice that and you will bring your team member gently back to a more productive way of thinking. “Yes, I can see that this behavior of this person upsets you. And I wonder gain, what makes it challenging to YOU to deal with it?”

When someone is upset, it is virtually impossible to reason with them. This state is called an amygdala hijack, or emotional hijack. Our prefrontal cortex is not in control and underpowered.

Try to reason with someone who is controlled by emotion is a futile attempt. Your first goal is to get them to calm down enough so they regain control over their composure and they are receptive to coaching in the first place.

You also don’t want to get sucked into someone else’s story and emotions. Remaining emotionally separate, while staying empathic is an important skill as a Leader coach.

So what can you do?

A good starting point is to share your observations about the other person’s emotions without judging or validating them. ‘Wow, I can tell how upset you are about how he talked to you.’, rather than ‘Wow, you are right. That was completely out of line of him to say. What an idiot!’

Another technique to use is: Ask your team member to NAME their current emotion. This question is rooted in a principle called cognitive labelling. When people step out of their situation and think about what they feel right now, it tend to gently bring back the prefrontal cortex into control.

Another tool is to help the person gain a perspective shift and look at the conflict as if they are a third person. ‘What type of conflict is this? As task conflict or a relationship conflict?’

Once the other person has managed to clam down, we take them to next step: We help them move forward with productive thinking. You notice: I am not saying ‘positive’ thinking. We want to help our team member approach their challenge using a productive and useful mindset.

How could this look?

In the example of a team member being in conflict with someone else that could be: ‘What kind of relationship do you actually want with this person?’ ‘How does what currently happens work towards that?’

It is a smart thing to use this idea…any person in their right mind will take up the offer to discuss what they actually want. It’s only the person who just comes to share their grudge and complain, who would not take the offer. And that tells you something.

The next useful step in helping someone become more productive is to force or at least invite some empathy.

One simple way? ‘Alright. Can I ask you a strange question? Imagine I talked to this person right now…the person you are upset with. If I asked them what they think YOU did that upset them, what would they say? You don’t have to agree with it, btw. I am only interested in what they might respond’.

This is, btw, a very useful technique to bring two quarrelling people together by asking them what they believe the other person has against them…in a pure quest for accuracy. It works in more case than not.

You can even take it a step further by asking: ‘Imagine for a moment that a rational person would act the way they did with you. What could be the reasons?’

The purpose of these questions is to help trigger another reframing: So that your team members sees their ‘foe’ not just as a villain, but also a human, who is not just filled with negative intent.

Once we have charted out a vision of what we want with the other person and we have some understanding, we can explore more safely what realistic options are. I regularly approach this with clients form an angle of ‘influence’:

1. What is in your absolute control that you can use towards achieving that?

2. What can you influence?

3. What is outside of your control? What do you need to ignore?

This can be a powerful moment to introduce it, as your team member will by now (ideally, anyway) be in a calm mode to explore how they move towards the relationship that they want with the other person.

I hope you will give these tips a try!

All the best in your upcoming conversations..

-Maik