🎙️ EP 48 : Body Language matters in Coaching…but differently

We all know that body language is an important element in human interpersonal communication. Yet, what is its role in the process of coaching? There is an answer here that might surprise a little, depending on where you are coming from.

In this article, I am looking at answering two questions:

1. What is the role of body language in coaching?

2. How does a Leader Coach use someone’s body language to increase the depth of insights and goal achievement?

There is an enormous corpus of books and resources out there that aim at helping us identify the meaning of certain body language signals we see in others. What is the meaning of a frown? What does it tell me when someone looks up? How should I respond to someone who folds their arms, crosses their legs, smirks, gives a wry smile or even just shakes their head?

The angle these resources take implies that there is a universal language that can be learned. I don’t argue with that, as I am not terribly competent in the area. However, what I do know is two things:

Anything related to humans is grey (i.e. nuanced), not black and white. Any of the rules stipulated in these books have significant outliers, likely a reason of culture or personal character. I remember the CEO client I worked with who had the sternest, frowning look with folded arms when thinking. It took me a while to explore those signals openly with him and even longer to accept they were just his ‘neutral’…which is an expression to describe someone’s default look.

All this makes body language a complex matter. Luckily, the story does not end here.

A core element of the coaching mindset is that we believe that our coachee has all the wisdom and resources they need. They also hold the exact meaning of their words and signals and that includes body language. We also believe heightened awareness around their own meaning helps them the most in moving forward with conviction.

What does this mean? It is less important that we as coaches understand first what someone means. Instead, it is very helpful when our team members/coachees discover their own understanding and find their own words to describe what they want and what they want to overcome.

When we talk about observing changes in body language, then there must be some kind of reference point. Change compared to what?

Here, I suggest two different comparison points or baselines:

We compare the current body language to the general way the person has shown up over the time we know them. Are they suddenly a lot quieter or more excited than normal? Would they display a sudden, frequent movement that was never there before? Changes, especially dramatic ones can be indicators of significant events, positive or negative. The person might not mention them, but they could be exact representation of the elephant in the room…the true challenge that must be overcome to make real progress in performance and career.

When we coach, we hope to help the other person gain insights about their own situation and design a path forward that they are excited to own. The wonderful thing is that for most people, insights go along with body language changes that are almost impossible to fake. It’s inevitable and wonderful and I have seen it countless times. When someone suddenly talks much faster, uses certain hand gestures, or sighs very loudly…all these are sudden changes we can explore for meaning to help the other person relate more to their own insight. It is the perfect moment to ask ‘what did you just figure out?’

The skill to pick up body language cues and especially shifts in energy is well recognized in the official core competency set for coaches. In the new ICF competency framework, it shows up under the headline of ‘Communicate Effectively – Active Listening’, which is entirely appropriate in my opinion. In the words of the ICF, the coach ‘notices, acknowledges and explores the client’s emotions, energy shifts, non-verbal cues or other behaviours’.

What we can take away here is that ‘listening’ for body language changes is a higher form of active listening. It is amazing, when you experience someone listening like this to you. You will feel understood and heard. You will feel taken seriously. Most importantly, you have evidence that the person is present and that they are curious to see the real person in you. It is a powerful way to build trust.

At its core, what I share here is a wonderful means to deepen the relationship with someone and show real care and presence in the conversation. This builds trust capital and makes interactions faster and less costly in the future. It is truly a great investment.

However, it can be intimidating to do in the beginning, if we are not used to it. So let’s talk about the concrete ways to put it in practice.

1. We noticing the body language change.

2. We sharing what we noticed in a non-judgmental manner,

3. We asking for meaning.

It requires presence and curiosity to notice when someone’s body language changes. As I mentioned above, we can use a person’s overall and general body language as a baseline as well as how they showed up int he same meeting. Take a mental note and switch on your curiosity when you see the shift happen. You likely found something that will be helpful for the other person to explore deeper.

It requires courage and a bit of training to share what you want to say in a way that does not rub people in the wrong way. Sharing the observation can be delicate and unfamiliar. It is core to the deliberate skill practice I have with Leaders in our Leader Coach training.

Here is an example.

Let’s say you are in a 1-1 meeting with a team member. You bring up the fact that a different location in Asia is expanding and looking for team members. The moment you talk about that, you notice that your team member sits more upright. They are curious, they smile more, they talk faster and use their hands more. The change is obvious.

What would be a judgmental way to share this?

While being respectful, this response includes the Leader’s drawn conclusion of the observed body language. And this is so natural, as we are all pretty good in make sense of others’ behaviours in the form of a story.

However, while this positive example here might not be harmful, in the end we likely wasted an opportunity to listen more and build understanding. It is more powerful to invite the other person

to share their meaning and interpretation.

How might a less judgmental version sound?

This response takes a step back and draws a line between sharing what was truly, objectively observable and what the conclusion was. Of course, these lines must be delivered in a manner of respect and a certain levity. Without a healthy and normal degree of trust, these lines will also come across as creepy, instead of caring and interested.

This last step is super important and closes the circle. Without it, our body language observation will puff away like a cloud of air. After all, you are sharing your observation to trigger a spike of awareness and insight in the other person that helps them.

It’s quite easy. It is the simple step of asking the other person the question how they perceive their own body language shift.

For example:

And in relation to the example above:

What comes next? More likely than not, this inquiry helps the other person stop for a moment and reflect about themselves and draw out deeper meaning. The key here is that this meaning is then shared in their own words, which is so much more useful in building a sense of ownership around them.

After that we help our team member link their insight to the goal they are after, i.e. “Well, what you know here about yourself sounds very meaningful. How will it help you come across differently in the next team meeting?” (Assuming that’s what the person wanted).

By noticing, sharing and understanding the meaning of the body language shift, we have uncovered an additional insight and resource for the coachee to move towards their goal.

In this article, I drew out one very different way how Leader Coaches might make productive use of body language cues they pick up from others. In the traditional setting, body language is seen as something you learn to interpret from others to get an advantage and ‘intelligence’.

However, when we apply a coaching mindset, we believe in the value of exploring the visible SHIFTS in body language in others, compared to their ‘normal’ style or compared to how they were showing up just a few minutes ago. Those shifts often go along with meaningful internal changes and insights and are often unconscious. They are a gold-mine to explore!

The ability to actively listen for body language is part of the core skills of ‘communicating effectively’ in the ICF Coaching Core Competency set. It is a powerful way to actively listen beyond just spoken words.

I shared the 3 practical steps to put it into practice: (1) Noticing the change (2) Sharing the change in a non-judgmental way and lastly (3) asking for the meaning.

Leaders who use this frequently have a powerful, additional listening technique in their arsenal…one that can prove a great builder of trust and rapport.

-Maik